I’ve been having this discussion in my head recently and it’s a discussion I’d like to have on a few parenting forums, but I can tell precisely how the discussions would go! The people who disagree with me the most, are in fact the ones who I’d like to really hash it out with, but I fear that unless face to face, it’s unlikely that they’d give an inch for fear of not toeing their particular parenting party line.
Instinct is a word often used on parenting forums. Mothers are told by other mothers to follow their instincts and that Dr’s, Health Visitors and midwives are often trying to follow books and not the mothers instincts which will be correct. I agree to a point, but what when the Mother’s instinct is in fact, to follow *the book* and do what the Dr or other health professional says to do? What if the dreaded conventional parenting , much maligned by attachment parents IS in fact what feels instinctively right to some mothers?
I am one such Mother. When my other babies were born I looked to my Mum, to Dr Spock,and to my beloved family Dr for advice. Leaving feeding largely to one side because it is completely inarguable that breast is the way a baby should be fed, and I do think I was wrongly led down the path of formula feeding, the rest of the advice I was given, the other choices I made felt *right* routines suited both me, and the baby. Teen, who was an orderly soul fitted right into routine. Ed who was a high needs, anxious ball of screaming, needed that structure to anchor her and give her a sense of safety and Bean? Well, maybe we’ll leave him out of it as he was so damn happy you could have just pinned him to the washing line and left him there!
By 12 weeks all 3 children, very different children, went to bed, in their own cot, awake at bedtime which was 6pm. “N’Night baby” and off they went. This was something I’d just expected from them. I’d instinctively laid them down when drowsy as tiny newborns and they’d learned, happily and without tears, how to go to sleep.
And what of behaviour and discipline? Again, the advice I was given, the experience I had of caring for other peoples children and what their parents asked me to do when with their children, and instinct all led me to believe that children need rules, boundries and discipline. That it isn’t cruel, or expecting too much of them, it’s normal and in the long run, little tellings off as babies would prevent huge tellings off as big children.
So why did I start out so differently with Sis? The more I read and the more I learned, natural, attachment parenting, seemed the right thing to do. I certainly made my peace with my poor feeding choices in the past and got on board with breastfeeding, weaning from 6 months and being baby led and I could tell a mile away that baby wearing was beneficial, and my preferred method of caring for Sis, so I threw myself into the AP world.
Conflict started in my head as early as 2 weeks old. I realised I never had any idea when she would be hungry, or when she would sleep. This bothered me, but I carried on with the mantra of “meeting her needs” ringing in my ears. I was meeting her needs by running every time she cried and by always offering milk before any other option. My needs had all vanished and again, the AP answer was that I chose to have this baby, my needs could wait.
A tiny voice in my ear whispered that when her siblings were this age that I was still allowed needs and wants of my own. That they, even Ed could be expected to go without me for half an hour here and there. That voice was largely ignored but gradually, with the end of my breastfeeding journey more and more ‘conventional’ parenting crept back. Sis had a bottle at bedtime, breast milk, but in a bottle and she was instantly happier and able to sleep for a 4-6 hour period for the first time ever. I began settling her in her crib awake, and finally I had my evenings back. My instinct, was that this was the right thing to do.
For various reasons, teething, illness, changing to a cot from the crib, starting with a childminder, these evenings gradually became less and less reliable and sleeping through 4-5 nights a week became once a week if we were lucky. This week when daytime naps went to pot too and evening wakings began happening after a sleep cycle of 45mns each time I realised that this could just not continue. This way of doing things was supposed to benefit Sis. She was supposed to feel secure and happy and loved and at the centre of all things but didn’t my other children? Don’t all loved babies? What she was clearly feeling was exhausted, confused, grumpy and rootless. She wasn’t enjoying the night wakings any more than I was. She was hitting, biting and growling as I tried to cuddle her back to sleep, (only cuddling would do)
I was terrified of controlled crying or any form of sleep training. I’ve never let her cry and didn’t want to ever let her cry and I couldn’t belive after leaving it to get this bad that we could possibly escape without ALOT of crying. Studies of cortisol levels in the brain didn’t sit well with me on either level. I neither believed them nor fully disbelieved them. My belief is that they are grossly exagerated and probably only apply to babies who left to simply cry it out, alone, over and over and over. But, Mama guilt is strong and the first night I tried putting her down to sleep alone and she screamed, those studies were all I could think of. I could hear a chorus of AP parents loudly judging me and bewailing my cruelty. After 20 minutes of her crying and me going back into the room but clearly not taking charge. I quit. I cuddled her to sleep and I cried. I felt cruel and evil and like I’d crossed some terrible line.
But the next day after yet more night wakings, I Googled sleep training and read threads on forums, both AP and conventional and found there were Mums who did this and still parented more gently, and babywore. That you could go in and out at 1 mn intervals rather than the 5-1o of conventional wisdom. That night was yesterday and after half an hour of my confidently saying “You’re ok, you’re just going to sleep” “It’s time to sleep” She fell asleep without crying. On her own, with me sat nearby on my bed. She slept ALL evening, deeply and happily and I was able to go out and have a lovely evening with knit friends while Teen babysat. At 1am she awoke and then it was a fight to get her back down, but with pretty much no crying, just alot of standing up and making objecting noises! Finally after an hour and half she fell asleep as I lay on my bed listening to her playing with her teddies! And she slept until 6:45 am!!!! The latest she’s slept since she was a newborn. She awkoke beaming with happiness, showing me “TOYS!” in her cot and came into bed to smother me with kisses and cuddles. She just exuded happiness that I’d not seen in her before, especially in the morning when shes usually pretty grumpy.
Tonight I was actually looking forward to seeing how long it took and how much we’d both learned from last night but at ten to 6 she demanded out of the bath, then demanded her bottle and by 6pm I was laying down a prefectly happy, and drooping little girl. I left the room having said goodnight and she just went to sleep!! Ok, I’m not stupid. I know that this doesnt mean we’ve cracked it, I know that she will wake tonight and I will probably have a huge battle to settle her but WOW. Just WOW. And yet, what she did, is what her siblings did every evening of their lives and my instinct, my gut feeling is that this is NORMAL. Normal isn’t rocking or feeding a toddler in the middle of the night, that’s barmy. Normal isn’t 3 hour snatches of sleep, normal is 12 hours at her age. The ‘norm’ is what most do, and most children do go to sleep and stay asleep. My instincts were correct and Sis does need to be in a routine and she already looked better for it just after one night.
Next to tackle is behaviour. Biting, being the main problem! But also the touching of things that aren’t hers and the setting out of household rules and expectations that was simply a matter of course with the others.
I am parenting instinctively. I’m not ‘being conventional’ or blindly following a book or parenting guru. I’m doing what I believe is right.
